Out-Crazy-ing Holiday Shoppers

December 11, 2012

I know that everyone gets a little annoyed holiday shopping. There are just a lot of holiday shopping-isms that are hard to understand.

First of all, why haven’t checks been outlawed yet? I’m not sure I could even spell out the number 27 without a little forethought. Is eleven-hundred a thing?

Second, the PDA threshold in shopping malls is far too high, in my opinion. I saw a couple standing-up spooning on an escalator today. The man was not wearing a shirt. Seriously. He was not holding a shirt nor did he have one tucked in his back pocket. There was no back-up plan at all. Without the shirt,  it seemed that  the shirtless man and his girlfriend were rounding second base on their way to the food court. It made me nervous for the food court.

But instead of these annoyances compelling me to be more kind or patient, they actually compel me to competition. When I see other people acting crazy it makes me want to beat them at their own game. I love being competitively crazy as long as I’m not the one who started it.

So here are my top six (yes, six) ideas on how to out-crazy other shoppers.  These are the ways I think of filling myself with Christmas cheer (because I’m entrepreneurial like that).

1. Go to a mall without an ice skating rink and ask everyone where the ice skating rink is. Carry around ice skates that are noticeably too small for you.

2. Start an unsolicited conversation in line and confess to a stranger every single thing you ate that day. “How many carbs are in a gingerbread house?”

3. Wait in line for Santa during primetime. When you get to the front of the line, throw a fit and say, “You mean this isn’t the line for Wetzel Pretzel!?”

4. Try to use grocery store coupons at Nordstrom’s. “What do you mean it’s not buy-one-get-one free!?!”…. “Ma’am, that coupon is for breakfast cereal.”

5. Ask a stranger to hold your shopping bags while you stretch. “This shopping is really making me cramp up.” Then point to your knee and ask, “Do you know what this is? It’s really hurting.”

6.  Bring a hype man.  “It’s an infinity scarf, y’all. What! What! What! Now everybody SCREEEEAM!!”

Number six is not a joke. My dream is to have a hype man follow me around for all times I’m not sleeping.

Obviously, I thought of all these ideas while waiting behind someone writing a check, so really the mayhem is their fault.

What ideas do you have for creating mayhem in shopping malls? I would love to know.


  • i find it awful that no one has commented on this, not only did I laugh outloud, but it prompted me to read the entire post to a room full of people!

    love it.
    and i agree about the hype guy. i think that, as a photographer, a hype person would really just be an assistant with a lot of pizzazz.

    • Thanks so much for reading and for sharing it with a whole room of people! Sheesh. I’m blushing. I also really love the word “pizzazz.” Thanks for loaning it to me.. I intend on including it in the blog soon!

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