Something crazy happened on our way home from beach camping last week.
Mike and I were feeling pretty smug because we had avoided a shark attack while beach camping and frolicking in the waves. We had beat the sharks fair and square, just like Soul Surfer.
We laughed at those sharks.
Bailey gave those sharks the finger. We disciplined her for it later and high-fived behind her back like all good parents.
But then the birds came for us. They are the often-ignored predators of the air. Also, they are in cahoots with sharks. I will prove it.
Driving down I-5 towards San Diego, a flock of shark-like birds swooped towards our car. Maybe they were expressing themselves through synchronized flying. Maybe they were preparing for the bird olympics. Maybe they were air drag racing like Fast and the Furious 3D.
I was about to meet to meet Vin Diesel’s bird counterpart in 3D. It was about to get real.
So we were driving. The birds were drag racing. And of them flew into our windshield while we were driving 80mph. Glass flew in the car and cut up my arms and legs. I ducked and covered and got really scared.
Then I felt like a chump for getting so scared by a stupid bird.
I was sitting in the passenger seat, which makes think this bird was trying to kill me. This bird wasn’t messing around.
Vin Diesel’s bird counterpart doesn’t mess around. He eats windshields for breakfast.
This concerns me on a couple levels.
- This bird attack cost us $320, which makes me mad. I could have put that money towards something useful, like sweet roller blades or an awesome weave. Instead, I put it towards a new windshield, which made me feel old and responsible.
- I think maybe the sharks sent the birds to wipe that smug look off our faces. Maybe the whole animal kingdom is united in a war against humans. They are in cahoots. (mostly I just like the word “cahoots”) The sharks were mad that we ruined their street cred by defeating them on our camping trip. They were mad that our dog gave them the finger. So they did what every undercover crime organization does in this situation. They sent Vin Diesel. And Vin Diesel did what he does: he smashed us in the face.
This incident taught me a valuable lesson:
Not everything is better in 3D, especially when featuring Vin Diesel.
I have decided that I will read Fast and the Furious in a book, listen to it on audiotape, or watch it in old school 2D. But please don’t send Vin Diesel in 3D, particularly if he is coming as a bird.
Vin Diesel eats windshields for breakfast.