Becoming more American

September 4, 2012


Mike and I decided that not owning a grill was un-American. It made us feel bad.  It made us feel hungry too. And being hungry is un-American.

The thing is, when we moved into the heart of San Diego we sacrificed a spacious patio and had to sell our large grill. We now have a baby patio with no grill that looks out over the fashionable city people walking to fashionable city restaurants. They make us feel inferior. Our patio witnesses a lot of skinny jeans-with-heels, fedoras, sunglasses at night, and Shape-ups.

I’m just kidding about the shape-ups, but Mike is really committed to owning a pair someday.

Anyway, our baby patio had no baby grill, which we already know that this made us hungry and un-American. So we did what married couples do on weekends: we went to Home Depot. We didn’t get to Bed Bath and Beyond because we ran out of time.

Home Depot overwhelms me. I am overwhelmed by all the projects I will never do and that makes me feel like a failure. I stand in the concrete aisles and try to imagine a time that I would walk into the light fixture aisle and pick out a chandelier. Or I imagine looking at the expansive selection of bird feeders and thinking, “None of these are large enough. I’m trying to attract flamingos.”

My sense of failure exhausts me so much that I usually need a snack 30-seconds into our shopping trip. Do you ever wonder who buys the snacks at the checkout at Home Depot? This girl! They keep the Diet Cokes and Chex Mix stocked just for me. Mike gets a hot dog from the stand outside. We will discuss my view on hot dogs later.

Anyway, the point of the story is that we found a baby grill for our baby patio.

I also found a lighter that will set your hand on fire.

Good news: it’s wind resistant.

Anyway, we got home and the baby grill was a perfect fit!

We bought pre-marinated carne asada and pollo asado from Sprouts on the way home because Home Depot doesn’t sell steaks. We asked.

Overall, the day was a great success. We drank beer, ate meat, and said the pledge of allegiance after grace. I made the last part up, but we really did feel more American after all was said and done.

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